Give Us Dirty Laundry

Well, anyone who doesnt know should; I hate my mother. She used to call me every Sunday. The last call I received from her was 3 minutes before the Super Bowl started. Coincidence? No. Anyway, she called Jaime the week after to talk about the baby but didnt ask to talk to me. Fine with me. Since then we havent heard from her. Neither had Jenna for that matter. Jenna hadnt heard from her since she left from her surprise visit. Well a peaceful month passed and then we each received this email.

Dear children,

You haven't heard from me for a while (nor I from you). I love you and miss you and wish you lived closer.

You need to know why I haven't called or written. I am very, very upset with both of you. Jenna, I went to great trouble and expense to be with you on your birthday, but you never ever thanked me for coming. The closest you came to an acknowledgement was your statement, "Well, if you'd have let me know you were coming, I could have arranged my schedule differently." Then you knew I was sick, but you insisted I drive you all around looking for cars. There was no thanks for that, either, only your statement, "Thanks for getting Brett sick." When I tried to kiss you goodbye, you shoved me away. That was the last straw. No matter what I do with you or for you, it's never enough. You just expect more and more. You told your friend in front of me that we were not a touchy-feely family. That might be true, but I always tried to hug you and kiss you. I tell you I love you all the time. Is it so much to ask that you hug me back?

I am upset with both of you because neither of you did anything to acknowledge Bruce for his hard work in law school and graduation and taking the bar exam. Not a phone call, not a note, not a card, not an email. Nothing. Five long, hard years of work went totally unnoticed by you, even though I told you several times of his graduation date, he sent you a graduation invitation, and I kept you informed of his progress. I feel so bad for him, especially since he treats you guys so well.

He sees me hurting because you won't hug me back or kiss me or say "I love you, Mom" and he doesn't judge you for it. He simply holds me and lets me cry without coming down hard on you. He's a wonderful man and husband, and I am so blessed to have him in my life. You are blessed as well.

David, we are so excited about your baby! I wanted to get this issue off my chest so that the air would be cleared and we could just enjoy the anticipation of October.

So, children, I have vented. I want your reactions, but mostly, I want us to have a great relationship.

You can imagine our anger. This is how I responded.

Mother

First and foremost, it should be stated that we have tried to contact you. Jaime sent an email to you to which you didnt respond and I called you yesterday, but you didnt answer or return my call. Im sick and tired of you acting like youre neglected and abused and were the worst children in the world because we dont contact you every waking hour. Get over it. Thats how it is.

As for not sending Bruce cards; get over it. Its really depressing that you have so little in your life that your kids (who have no history of sending cards with any consistency for any reason) not sending cards to your husband for finishing law school would cause you to stop calling them. I pity Bruce because you use him as a tool in your manipulative games. Did you send Brett a card when he graduated from Academy. Did you send Jaime a card for graduating from Grand Valley? Did you send me a card for getting my mechanics certifications? Maybe you did, I dont remember either because it doesnt matter. I do know that none of us called you up and told you that you had to do it, there in taking all meaning and personality out of said card.

About Bruce. Are you so deranged that you think that we dont like, disapprove of, or have ill will towards him? Did you expect us to come to his graduation? Had we been in Michigan, we would have, but Im afraid that we werent going to fly across the country for it. We didnt even go down to Indiana when dad got his Auctioneers degree. I think that if you stood back and looked at the big picture youd see that were actually quite pleasant to him. I could write a list for you but that would cheapen it. If you cant remember how we treat him then thats your problem, not ours. Stop trying to make this about him.

I know its not directed at me but I need to address it. You did go to great trouble and expense to be with Jenna on her birthday. But you didnt do it for her. You did it for you. To make you feel like youre a good mother. You did it so that you could be the quirky fun mom who shows up unannounced from half way across the country. You did it so that you could say look what I did for you Jenna, now you have to love me. You did it so that people would sing your praises because youre such a wonderful woman. But mostly you did it to be thanked and that is evident in the fact that you make such a big deal about not being thanked. You didnt once take her feelings into consideration. You assumed that because you wanted to do it that everything was going to be alright. Had you been considerate you would have told her what you were planning and then gotten a hotel room. Instead you crashed at their apartment and acted like a child. Know this, if you show up on our door step unannounced, you will be invited in but you will also be asked to leave when the evening ends.

Im sorry that we dont give you the love and adoration you feel you are entitled. Were horrible children and dont deserve to be called every week. Perhaps our birth parents were terrible people and we got bad genes. Lord knows it couldnt have been the way you raised us.

If cards will truly make you happy then I guess well start sending them. Just make a list of all the days youd like to receive a card through out the year and well be sure to get one in the mail. But so help me, if I send you a card on all those days and you still try this guilt trip bull shit then there will be no end to my wrath. So take your pick. Either you get to have your cards and then pretend to be happy, or you have to figure out whats really going on and let us know so that perhaps we can do something about it.

Dave
--
May you eat many yummy tacos and all your sons have healthy beards.

And this was Jennas responce.

I feel I have kept my mouth shut far too long. I will only write you this one e-mail because I don't see the point in fighting about this matter. Feel free to send one back but don't expect a response. I really don't know where to start. So I'll just start with Bruce. Yes Bruce is a great and wonderful man. Yes he has done so much for me over the years, sadly more then my own father. I have thanked him for it. I have sent him cards for it. If I happened to miss a thank you it is not because I am ungrateful. It was merely an accident. I have far too many things to thank him for to keep track. But it is apparent that you do keep track. If I miss one little thank you I get a call about. When I do forget and you DO call me about it you make all the feeling go out of a thank you. Telling me to send him a card makes it not mean anything. Maybe it would mean something to him but to me I'm not really being thankful when I'm being told to send a letter. To me it would have no meaning and even if Bruce didn't know there was no meaning to it I would. I will not send someone a meaningless card just because you want me to.

When Brett and I moved down here I sent you guys a thank you card for everything you did for us. You never even told me you got the letter. Every time you send Brett and I a letter you ask us if we got it and then it seems as if you are waiting for a thank you for sending it. You are such a hypocrite. Did you send us a letter for letting you staying with us? No, nor did we expect one. But if you are going to demand we send you thank letters then it would be nice to get one also.

I am so sick of getting letters from you that are always negative. When we moved down here you left me a letter. It was one negative thing after another. I'm sure there were a few positive things in there but not many. You wonder why I say so many negative things it's because that's all I hear you say about me. You say I complain about things. If you really listened to me you would realize I'm not complaining I'm just talking or asking questions. Brett has even pointed it out to me that I will say something around you and you say I'm complaining. And then Brett will say the same thing about something else and you say nothing.

Don't ever tell me that I expect more. You don't know what I'm thinking. I am thankful for everything that you do. I'm just not going to run out of breath telling you that.

Don't act like you and dad were affectionate with us when we were little. We were not raised to hug and kiss so for us to do it now is asking too much (at least for me it is). I'm not comfortable hugging or kisses you because it wasn't done that offend or on a regular basis when I was little.

As for coming here unannounced what did you expect me to do throw a party? To be honest I wasn't happy to find out you were going 4 hours before you showed up. I don't like surprises. Had I known you were coming we could have planned out a better week and maybe it would have ended better. I already had my week planed out. I switched and canceled plans that I had already made with friends so I could hang out with you and you are acting like this is my fault. On top of that you knew we were having car problems and that we need to go out and look for one. No one forced you to go and NO one insisted that we go. We asked you and you said yes. If you didn't want to then you should have said no.

As far as what I am pissed about is, when you were here I asked 2 very simple favors of you and both of which you refused to do. I asked you to turn off the lights when you left a room and to put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher not the sink. These are things that Brett and I have agreed to do since moving into together. So not only were you disrespecting me but you were also disrespecting Brett. Had Brett ask you to do these things I sure you would have had no problem following through with them. But because of something I did 15 years earlier when I was kid you refused. And to quote you when I asked you to put the dishes in the washer you said "how about I just throw them in the sink like you did with forks." I don't think you could have acted more like a child. There was even a time when you left the bedroom light on and I asked you to go turn it off and you refused. I don't need you to show me what a child acts like or even what I acted like. If I wanted to know I would have a kid. By acting like that you drove us farther apart. If you recall that night I left after that because if I stayed by you for another second I was going to tell you to get the hell out.

Maybe if you had woken Brett or I up we could have given you a proper goodbye. As for pushing you away I do not recall that. Often times Brett will tell me I pushed him away when he kisses me in the morning and I do not recall it. I'm sleeping what do you expect me to do.

If you think this letter is meant to hurt your feeling then you have missed the point all together. This is how I feel and sometimes how you make me feel. I thought you should know. You stated how you felt so I stated how I feel.

Well today she finally responded back and I got this email.

David,
I love you very much, no matter what. Always have, always will.
Mom

And Jenna got this responce.

Jenna,
I have always loved you. I will always love you, no matter what.

Just for the record, I came to Florida because I missed you. I missed our Tuesday times together.

Mom

Ive debated all day as to weather or not I should respond. Call her out. Let her know that its just not good enough to say you love someone, and that love is a verb. At this point I havent but if I do Ill let you know.