You Look Like A Rabbit

My kids will not be allowed in the bathroom while im taking a bubble bath.

I want a knife that cuts fingers off, as deminstrated by the door to door knife salesman.

Cheri, its not your fault, or Neils, that you dont have a penis. Youll have to accept that your father will never love you as much as your brothers. Stop taking all your anger out of Neil.

My tooth hurts.

What is Apple TV?

Does Averil Lavigne have a real band or are they just studio musicians?

It was sunny and hot today.

I hate pink eye.

I need new shoes.

Gullible.info

The northern Illinois chapter of AAA says that the average car in the their area has antifreeze that is 29 percent below optimal strength.

I Saw My Doppelganger

Whenever I would draw myself as a kid I would always be wearing a red shirt and blue pants. Always, without fail, red shirt, blue pants.

Standing in line for DoND auditions there was a man wearing a red shirt and blue pants. As I looked at him I realized he was me. He was me, if Jaime ever leaves me. He weighed at least 300 pounds. He had a McDonalds fanny pack, curly hair and a beard (mostly). He wore a red shirt and blue sweat pants.

He noticed my shirt (Choose Your Weapon) and asked if I played DnD. I told him I did. He asked what level and class I had. I told him I had a level 18 thief. He smugly brags that he has a level 37 wizard. He felt as though he was better then me. He was wearing a red shirt and blue sweat pants.

Stranger Then Fiction

Watch it!

Thank God For Camera Phones

Interview complete. We arrived around 6:39am. As we walked up the people in charge said that there were about 5,000 people there and they were expecting another 5,000 to show up in the next couple hours so they needed us to compact the line a little bit. As the sun rose we waited mere feet from the shade of the tent. After things had heated up some of the the ladies came out. Haley Marie and Anya were there. I ran over to them and pushed my way up and got my picture taken with them. It was glorious.

A little after noon, they come on the PA again and explained how this was all going to go down. Everyone was going to be divided into groups of 10 and the groups of 10 would go up to 1 of the 8 tables that each had a scout at them. The scout would then listen to your pitch for why you should be on the show. Each person will have 20 seconds. If you job isnt interesting they dont care about it. If youre not going to do anything interesting with the money, they dont care about it. You have 20 seconds to prove that youre interesting enough to be on the show so dont waiste their time, or yours, with mundane information. You wont get on the show if you do. ONLY TELL THEM INTERESTING THINGS.

About 3 hours later our group got up to the front. Most of the other people did exactly what they were told not to and waisted their time Telling them where they were from and their kids names and borring shit. I essentially said this: "Hi, Im Dave. Im going to have #6 and #4 stand in front because 64 is the best number in the world and then from there Im going to let my die do the picking." At which point I rolled all the die on the table.  "Ill use the 30 sided die for the first round, 20 sided for the second round, 12 side, 10 sided and on and on." The guy said, "OK, cool." Which is more then he said for most of the other people in my group.

I dont know if Ill be on the show yet. Theyve been known to call people back the next day. Theyve also called people 9 months after their interview. If I get the call back youll be the first to know.

Luck Be A Lady

Wish me luck. In 9 hours Ill be in line for Deal or No Deal.

Deal of No Deal Application

WHAT WAS THE LUCKIEST MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE? The moment I missed my future wife’s street while I was bringing her home on our first date. We wound up having to turn around in an undeveloped cul-de-sac. I asked innocently if I missed her street. She smiled and said she thought I had ulterior motives. I went in for a kiss. It was the best first kiss I’ve ever had.

WHAT IS YOUR OCCUPATION? Automotive Technician at Sears Auto Center

WHAT IS THE MOST INTERESTING JOB YOU HAVE EVER HAD? Pizza Delivery Driver. You meet a lot of interesting people while carrying a stack of pizzas.

WHAT IS THE MOST INTERESTING THING ABOUT YOU THAT STRANGERS CAN’T TELL JUST BY LOOKING AT YOU? The most interesting thing about me is my undying love for my wife. She is the single most important thing to me in the world. I would do anything for her.

TELL US AN EMBARRASSING STORY ABOUT YOURSELF: I am terrified of spiders (and most bugs for that matter). I also talk in my sleep and sleep walk. Periodically Ill have nightmares about spiders that will result in me jumping out of bed or sitting up and screaming. My wife loves embarrassing me by telling people what she witnesses when I wake her up doing this.

WHAT IS THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS THING YOU’VE EVER DONE? My friends and I like to “Tib” one another. To tib someone is to strike their knee, especially with a hard object after pointing. Whenever we get together it always winds up with someone’s knees bloodied and everyone rolling on the ground laughing. What’s outrageous about this is that it happens every time, without fail.

WHAT IS THE NEXT MILESTONE IN YOUR LIFE? Hopefully purchasing a house and having kids.

OTHER THAN YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER, WHO WOULD BE YOUR MAIN SUPPORTER? My sister Jenna and best friends Dan, Zac and Neil

DO YOU HAVE A GOOD LUCK CHARM? No, but I do have lucky die.

WHO LIVES IN YOUR HOME WITH YOU? My wife, Jaime, my best friend Dan, and my 2 stinky dogs Bishop and Hudson.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WON A MILLION DOLLARS? When I win the million dollars I’m going to pay off all my credit cards, my truck loan and wife’s student loans. Next, I’m going to take my wife on the fancy exotic honeymoon that we never got to go on. When we get back Ill buy all the tools I need for work (and some I don’t need). Lastly were going to finally purchase a house and start a family.